21 Struggles Only Cunts On The 5:2 Diet Will Have

eggs

So you’ve decided to start a diet? That 5:2 one looks pretty easy right? Heres a handy El Food Brothers guide to some of the struggles you might face.

1) How can I drink only black tea or coffee, can’t I just have a little bit of milk?

Oh boo hoo, unless your still being taken to school by your Mum, you don’t need any fucking milk in your diet. Don’t like the taste of tea or coffee? Grow up and drink some water. Milk is bullshit.

This goes for you sugar users as well. Time to face reality, its not all sugar and rainbows in the real world.

2) I’ve gone all morning and only have a piece of grapefruit and half an orange

Well thats your own fault you stupid cunt. You could have just nailed the black coffee all morning. Play your cards right and your could have been having bacon and eggs for tea. Why aren’t you just eating eggs all the time? Its all fine now, even if your Vegan.

3) I’ve gone to bed early because I can only fill my life with food

You’ve fucked your life up at this point, you might as well not bother with the diet. Do you not have any other interests? Have you tried blogging? Or how about a wank?

4) I’m really angry at everyone all the time.

Yeah, this ones normal. Its actually just now your body is not full of shit, its seeing the world in its true light. Most people are cunts, especially the guy eating 2 bags of crisps in row on the train. Best to find an outlet for the anger. Have you tried blogging? Or how about a wank?

Just don’t use the word ‘hangry’. That word is for cunts.

5) I really want a ‘treat’ but I only have 500 calories

Again, does your Mum still buy your trousers? No. Well then, you don’t live in a world where you get a treat. This is the real world. Nothing you every want is ever going to happen. But you really want a treat? How about a wank?

6) I can’t watch TV because its all cooking shows like ‘Simply Nigella’

This one is ‘simple’ if your watching Nigella Lawson and looking at the food, you’ve fucked up. How about a wank?

7) Your¬†colleagues bring in ‘industrial’ loads of cake

Cake? Really. Grow up. Unless you have a cake, with a single digit number of candles for your birthday, you don’t need any cake in your life. How about a wank, in the work toilets?

8) And they left the cake by your desk?

Are you waiting till lunch to go out and play? No. Well grow up and tell your colleagues they are cunts and move their fucking cake. Throw them in the face of that guy from marketing if they don’t get the hint. They will respect you for it later.

9) I chew food 500 times for each bite just to savour it

Unless your waiting for your first tooth, or waiting for your last tooth to fall out, why is chewing your food such a hardship? And make sure you close your mouth you cunt.

10) All that tastes good and is low In calories are eggs.

And? Eggs are amazing. If your not eating at least 4 eggs a day, just go jump of a bridge.

But your a Vegan? Well my friend, you are fucked. Can you still have a wank?

11) I’ve cut out alcohol and now I have no friends. My life is a misery and I have no way to take away the pain of existence.

Yeah this one is real. Have you tried a wank?

12) You can’t even come up with 21 points in your stupid blog post about the 5:2 diet

Yeah this one hits home as well. I’ll probably just have a wank.