The Secret Diary of El Food 2 aged 37 and a Half


As part of our El Fat to El Fit feature the brothers decided to present our feelings on the first week of the 5 and 2 diet independently.

I have decided to run through what I had and what calories that totalled and generally how I was feeling.

Day one – Can we do this

As you may know the El Food Bros love a burger and a beer or a pie and a beer, OK we love beer and on day one we muse how to deal with our situation. Our wives think we are a massive pair of shit-houses who can’t do this and expect us to fail pretty quickly.

Being allowed 2400 calories on a 5 day, which this is, I want to be careful knowing that next day is a 600 cal day and worried I might actually die. (we did toy with just 2 pints all day on a 600 day but this idea got shelved) I play it safe with Cals and cruise through to lunch on 4 cups of black coffee.

El Food One and Two arrange to meet for lunch at the Abel (Cheers) it’s our local and it’s nice to be where everybody knows your name or at least that you blog or have Twitter. Not wanting to go mad we have half a pint and discuss a tactic for eating and a coping mechanism for the week moving forward.

So beer supped, 140 Cals down and 40 minutes to find some food, we check the Tesco shelves but all the sandwiches have 7,000,000 calories in them which is fucking bull shit. It’s a sandwich they’re not even that nice. We leave and head to Morrisons where I scour the shelves for low calorie shit.

I settle on Spicy Chicken wrap and a pack of chicken fridge raiders which combine at 367 calories and fill me up for 15 minutes.

I fight my way through to dinner ignoring the tasty treats round the office and the fact I really want a bevvy. 3 black cups of coffee necked.

Dinner is a solid meal consisting of sweet potato mash (Blame the Mrs, sweet potatoes are bullshit), chicken breast and salad. Now I don’t do leaves but just wanted to fill myself up at this point, total 360 calories.

I snack a few hours later whilst having some quality PS4 time and have a pack of Salt and Shake crisps (which are still a great way of making the consumer do the work, put the fucking salt on yourself, we can’t be arsed), a mars milkshake which is welcome and some generic shit ice cream cone thing out of the freezer that little bundle comes in at 596 calories.

Daily total for day one is 1463/2400, which I know is under but if I’m gonna have any chance of 600 Cals on a fasting day I can’t really allow myself to enjoy 2400 Cals.


Day 2 – Cheers to Friends

So day one is done and we lived, today is going to be hard we are down to 600 calories and no booze *Violins playing*. I am taking the approach of fighting my way through until 19:00 and just have dinner consisting of all of my calories. El Food One, not being fucking insane, spreads his calories.

Again I cruise the morning on 4 black coffees and then lunch comes when Norm and Cliff would normally be getting their Cheers on at the Abel. Not today my friends, we have decided on Ziferblat a coffee shop with a twist (read the review we have done to get a feel for the joint). So Cliff and Norm are swapped out for 2 of the cast of friends. Not Ross, never Ross, what the fuck was the point of Ross? We’re probably Joey and Chandler. We wish. (I am Joey ‘two pizzas’ Tribbiani – El Food One)

So I have 3 cups of black coffee for lunch and actually ponder how easy this fasting has been. All to do now is another 6 hours to get to my dinner and the omelette I have been lusting after and meticulously planning all day.

I finally arrive home to make my 3 egg, cheese and tuna omelette with some bullshit salad left over from the day before on the side. I chuck the eggs in start them bubbling, drop my cheese in and then pop a tin of tuna on one side. I fold it over pop it on a plate and tuck in and find myself eating like a wild boar. The look the wife gave me as she walked in on my shovelling my feast into my gob is not a proud moment. 3 more black coffees.

Total for the day is 537 calories so I am under on a fasting day which is impressive and I make it through to bed without hitch. I did have a wobble just after scoffing the omelette, after ‘breaking the seal’, and vow to eat slower moving forward.

Some more eggs
Some more eggs

Day 3– The Hunger-over

We made it to the middle of the week and are suitably impressed at our alcohol free day and contemplate another. Agreement is made and we meet back down the Zibs to pick up where the El Friends left off yesterday,  but this time being able to sample the food offerings.

For breakfast I have some porridge that has the consistency of phlegm but its only 187 calories, 6 black cups of coffee (Coffee count stands at 23 for the week).

Now down the Zibs you can take your own stuff in. Having both agreed we felt groggy and shit today, being able to eat this is our hunger-over the next day. You feel wank after fasting, so trying to make myself feel improved I grab a rustler burger and pack of crisps to take down the Zibs.
Lunch comes in at 848 Cals once I neck a block of Zibs Walnut cake WOW that’s more than yesterday in one setting.

4 more cups of caffeinated tar later I head home for my dinner and decide my egg quota is a bit low for this week so a couple of egg on toast (fried eggs not poached I’m not an animal) this comes in at 370 calories and is a cracking meal (Sorry, actually I’m not). I finish the evening off with a handful of Bombay mix coming in at 170 Cals, WTF it’s like Bombay mix FFS 170 Cals, should have banked the calories and had a wank. (You should have read this handy guide first – El Food One)

Total for the day is 1575 still playing it safe coming in under the 2400.

Think thats eggs
Think thats eggs

Day 4 – The fast and the furious

Now today we discover Hanger, the concept of being really angry due to hunger. Look, just be considerate if you’re gonna neck a scotch egg (which are like crack to me) on the train DON’T take it home you animal have some fucking respect !!!!!!!!

Breakfast is 5 cups of black coffee leading up to lunch down the Zibs, where I consume 3 cups of black coffee for lunch and then another 3 leading up to dinner, coffee count is standing at 35 for the week.

I have again dreamed of my dinner all day and vow to not make the same mistake scoffing it down and plan to savour it. It’s a 3 egg, cheese and a piece of fried bacon BLITZKRIEG !!!!!!! Fried food I cover one side in mustard this is then folded after sending a few shots to taunt El Food One who is eating some bull shit that night. I cut it up and eat it over a 45 minute period and I think this helps me get through the evening without hunger pangs.

Daily total is 582 calories

Day 5 – Friday its not gonna be a dry day

So it’s Friday and drink will be taken by El Food Two tonight as I have family commitments (spot the excuse).

I diligently eat my pot of phlegm for 187 Cals for breakfast and see myself through to lunch with 5 cups of black gold.

Back to the Zibs, 3 days running now, but this time I’m loading up on the free goods so have 2 toast with marmite, half a tin (we think) of Heinz tomato soup, a custard cream, a piece of angel cake and some snacks (Bombay mix and Cheeslets) it comes in at 644 and I nearly cum at the joy of all the food.

Another 5 black coffees in the afternoon (45 this week now) and I get ready to treat myself in the evening. Now I’m not going to go daft as the weigh in closes in but I deserve a treat and settle on an oven cheese burger and curly fries and I think I may have had an orgasm eating it, I just said it was mayo, 727 for this bundle and I loved every mouthful.

Now I have a swift 3 black coffees knowing that the evening will result in calories, I get to 21:00 and someone cracks open a bottle of Prosecco (Me) I have a glass and a half and I’m feeling triumphant versus the normal few bottles I would have.

I was doing great till the wife says I have this for you and she produces a scotch egg, I feel like Indiana Jones finding a sought after artefact and then eating it anyway. Prosecco and the scotch artefact come in at 495 calories.

So the day concludes at 2053 calories which is more than my average but within the 2400.

I grab some solid sleep, now my sleep and my poo have both been solid whilst on this diet and neither is a normal occurrence.

Salad ... and eggs for a change
Salad … and eggs for a change

Saturday – Can’t be a fatter day

With the weigh in pending El Food One and Two exchange nervous texts over what we think we may achieve and how maybe we are not a pair of shit houses.

Start the day with some scrambled eggs. 2 eggs 140 Cals and 4 cups of black taking coffee to 52 and eggs to 10 (Egg bound is bullshit)

Lunch is an anxious bag of Quavers for 88 Cals thinking of tomorrow and not wanting to look a wanker with a 3 oz loss continue so swap texts probing for what El Food One thinks he has lost I neck another 5 cups of Joe hitting 57 for the week JESUS !!!!!

Dinner is some bullshit the wife wants us to eat half a French bread loaf and some oil and some balsamic vinegar, its continental (Its definitely fucking Moroccan) I chow down and do my time like Lesley Grantham and its gone, all 610 calories of it.

I finish off the day with a generic misery cone from the freezer for 201 Cals.

The day is 1039 so lower than normal but keeping in mind I want to be sure that I don’t look a cock at weigh in.

I got my hair cut today (every little helps).