That’s Me In The Corner, Losing My Fatness

It’s all over. You missed it. Have a read here, then here and finally here if you weren’t living through the El Fit Brothers vs El Fat Brothers month as it happened. You can still pretend you were there though. We won’t tell.

Right, I know attention spans these days are short, so heres the facts.

El Food One Total Loss: 1 Stone, 7 pounds
El Food Two Total Loss: 11 Pounds

So in total 2 Stone, 4 Pounds (I did the complex maths for you there)

Given the average weight of a baby (7.5 lb), that means the El Food Brothers have effectively given birth to over 4 food babies this month. Its been tough.

In other words, a result which can only be described as ‘fan-fucking-tastic’. I think this puts the El Food Brothers into the ranks of Coconut Oil (No idea what I’m on about? You have listened to the podcast right?) and we are making ourselves available for putting on your food, or rubbing into various parts of your body as you see fit.

If you can’t wait until we sort out the business and legals of how we can sell ourselves to dieters. Here’s some top secret dieting advice directly from the El Food Brothers.

El Food Brothers Top Secret Diet Tips

  1. Count you fucking calories!
    If you want to do the 5:2 diet, make sure you keep to your 500/600 calories on fast days. Use your new found ability to count to make sure you don’t fuck up on the other days. You want that bit of cake do you? Its 500 calories. Do you really want it now? Fine, have it, but you aren’t having much for tea.
  2. Don’t pretend you are someone you’re not.
    Does the thought of eating quinoa turn your stomach? Can you not even pronounce quinoa? It’s fine, you don’t have to pretend to like this shit. Love pizza, keep eating pizza. Just refer back to point one and its all fine.
  3. Don’t follow bullshit diets
    The sort that involve meetings, plans and paying subscription fees. Unless you want to throw all your money away and spend your evenings with a bunch of fatties celebrating your 1 lb loss. Much like a drug dealer relies on repeat custom, do you really think they want you to lose weight quickly, and keep that weight off?
  4. Keep an eye out for the “El Food Brothers” new diet subscription plan.
    This one is really different, you’ll learn all our real secrets, too juicy to waste on this stupid website. Only ¬£25 a month and you too can be just like the El Food Brothers

And the absolute final word on this emotional month, I shall leave to El Food Two, who has really outdone himself this time.