The Case of The Stolen Lunch: El Food Two Vs Earth Cafe

With El Food One away researching Moroccan food I was left flying solo for this visit, where and why did I choose where I chose? These are questions I have been asking myself a few times a day since that fateful day, and my friends please keep reading but do not expect an answer to them all.

My selection was Earth Cafe. Maybe in a bid to be healthy, I decide to check out their menu of ‘everything that makes food tasty removed’. Its Veggie, Vegan, Gluten, Sugar and E number free. I am pretty certain a part of my soul was removed too.

My first impressions as I walked down the narrow stairway to the entrance, was to make a few quick calls and say my goodbyes, as I wasn’t certain I was getting out alive. There is an air of a cellar or European brothel (from what people tell me) and this theme continues as I walk down to seal my fate.

Exhibit 2C – The entrance to the alleged ‘cafe’

Immediately feeling uncomfortable I spot Hemp and Soy products behind the counter and I don’t mean the good type of Hemp. I don’t know any of the right words, clearly out of my depth I call upon my “You’re Louis Theroux” coping mechanism and head to the juice bar station. Passing on my way a confusing choice of weird and wonderful (bad choice of words) selections. I know what juice is, not the whole process but I know how juice should look, so I’m good.

I arrive at the juice bar, thinking its fruit and veg chucked in a blender, that should be easy. I gaze up at the choices on the wall and ask for the first one I understand the ingredients of, ‘Transcendental’. The juice man asks a few questions, I nod, because quite frankly I don’t know all the lingo that the swampy-dreadlocked clientele do, so just go with it. I stand and wait, after 5 minutes I’m told to seat myself and he will bring it over. Its fucking juice, I could have grabbed the ingredients and wazzed them up myself by now.

Exhibit 3B – Despite costing £3, these drinks are alleged to contain no alcohol.

I see myself to the free corner which resembles a dark corner of a basement, frantically texting El Food one over in the ‘Rocco so someone knows my last whereabouts. I quietly play with my phone and don’t make eye contact with anyone, deep down I have conceded the fact I may never escape Juiceff Fruitzil’s grasp.

Exhibit 1C -A seat with no view

After a 17 minute blending exercise my glass of pulp arrives, I diligently gulp it down. Taking note of how chewy it is and wondering how long you need to razz it in a blender to prevent this.

Exhibit 4F
Exhibit 4F – The alleged ‘drink’

By now I have had enough, as health is bullshit. I get up, walk out and head down the street. Passing the Abel Heywood, the El Food Local, I imagine this is what it feels like to head towards the light in a near death experience. I chose to head toward the amber from my near health experience and I am glad I did so.

The Abel staff as always seem glad to see me. As I head to my regular spot, imagine the cheers theme playing in your head, I sit down and start to sup my pint and ponder on how this is a classic case of polar opposites. I felt sad, down and bereft of energy on leaving Earth Cafe yet entering the Abel I felt great.

All is right again
Exhibit 5H – The refuge of the Abel

If I can take anything from this or offer you any advice then I implore you to heed this “If you are thinking of a healthy lunch, fuck it off and have a pint” that is a statement endorsed by the El Food #Thisisbullshit council.

El Food One Says

I missed out on this treat for El Food Two. However, I have since sampled the delights of Earth Cafe during the El Food Brothers Detox. I shall save my full thoughts for another feature, however, and leave you with a link to what Earth Cafe call a ‘Food Policy’, I say it is more of a ‘Misery Manifesto